By Brandy Branstetter, CFP®
A client sat in my office not long ago, fresh off a big update to her own financial and estate plan, and asked: “How do I talk to my parents about their finances without sounding like I’m asking about my inheritance?” It’s the question I hear more than any other from our clients when we bring up the subject of financial planning needs for aging parents. (No one wants their kids to have to take care of them financially but sometimes it happens and as proactive financial planners we want to get it on the radar if it’s a possibility.)
She wasn’t after her inheritance. She had just spent months getting her own financial house in order, and somewhere in that process it hit her that her parents were approaching 80 and she knew almost nothing about theirs. Were their documents current? Would she have a role if something happened? Did they even have a plan? She had no idea, and she was afraid that asking would make her look greedy since she assumed her parents were doing ok financially.
If that fear sounds familiar, keep reading. Families who skip this conversation usually end up having it anyway, in a hospital hallway, at the worst possible moment, with no idea what mom or dad would have wanted.
In fairness, both generations postpone this talk: parents don’t want to feel old, burden anyone, or admit things aren’t as buttoned up as everyone assumes, and adult children don’t want to look like they’re circling the estate. So here’s your permission slip: yes, it will be a little awkward. Have the conversation anyway.
The assumption that catches families off guard
The biggest mistake I see adult children make is assuming that because their parents are smart, successful, and independent, everything must already be airtight. We spend our whole lives looking to our parents for answers, and that habit is hard to break.
But having a will is not the same as having it figured out. A will doesn’t tell you where the accounts are, who has the authority to act if your parent cannot, what insurance policies exist, or which professionals to call first. A healthcare directive gives someone the legal right to make medical decisions. It doesn’t tell that person what your mom actually wants.
Documents matter, and your parents should have them. But if the family has never talked about them, they’re just paper in a drawer. What most families are missing is a communication plan. The people named in the plan should know what their jobs are and understand the wishes behind the paperwork. That’s what this first conversation starts to build.
Reality check: you aren’t taking anything over
If I could hand you one idea before you start, it’s that your job is smaller than you think. You’re there to understand enough that your parents’ wishes can be respected if you ever need to step in and help. Nobody’s taking over anybody’s checkbook. Having “the conversation” with your parents is really just an act of care, and it’s part of life.
It’s far better to build that understanding now, at a kitchen table, than in the middle of a crisis. A health event is stressful enough on its own. You don’t want it to become a financial emergency at the same time.
We have written before about helping your kids understand what wealth really means. This is the same family conversation, but it’s pointed up a generation. Try to give it the same level of attention.
What to actually say
Clients ask me for the actual words, so here they are. Start with yourself, not with them:
“We’ve been working with our financial planner, and we had a great conversation about estate planning for our own future. I’m curious, have you two updated yours recently?”
Then add one more question:
“Is this a good time to talk about it?”
This second question gives your parents an easy way to say “not right now” without shutting the door. Often the answer is something like “let’s talk after we meet with our advisor next month,” which is helpful because you can actually follow up at the right time. You haven’t cornered anyone. You just… opened a door. Your parents can choose when to walk through it.
My other favorite move: blame me. I tell clients all the time to use their advisor as the scapegoat. “I was sitting down with our advisor, and she asked us some really tough questions about how our estate plan is set up. It got me thinking. Have you two thought through these questions? Do I have a job in your plan?” Even something as simple as “You’ve probably got this all figured out, but I thought I should ask” works well, because it leads with respect.
If your parents seem a little embarrassed that they haven’t done this yet, or have not told you about it, let that be okay. Nobody wants their financial plan to depend on their children. Give them grace, and keep the door open.
Where, when, and who is in the room
Start small. The first conversation is the parents plus the child most likely to be the primary decision maker. It is not a family summit with name tags at the dining room table, and you don’t need every sibling present. If you want to loop in your brother or sister afterward, ask first: “Do you mind if I talk to them about this?” And if it turns out a sibling already knows more than you do, don’t read it as a snub. One person usually ends up as the family CEO for these things, and parents often start with that person because the topic is awkward for them too.
As for timing, pick a calm stretch of the calendar. Not the Thanksgiving table, and not the week after a health scare, when everyone’s emotions are still running high. Let the dust settle first. Nobody responds well to being ambushed.
What you actually need to know
You don’t need account numbers, balances, or a full inventory. In the first conversation, you’re listening for three things.
Where everything lives.
Estate documents, financial information, insurance policies, property records. Is there a binder, a file, a list somewhere that says what exists? You’re not asking to see it. You’re asking to simply know it exists and where to find it. A good way to put it: “If something happened and I needed to help, would I know where to find everything?”
Who the key people are.
The financial advisor, the CPA, the estate planning attorney, the insurance professional, the bank. Names and phone numbers on a single sheet of paper, updated once a year, would put your family ahead of most. You might ask: “Would you be comfortable introducing me to the people who help you with your finances, taxes, and estate plan?”
Who has the authority to act.
Who is named to make financial or healthcare decisions if a parent can’t? “Who is your financial power of attorney?” and “Who would make healthcare decisions for you?” are direct but fair questions, and so is “Is there anything you would want me to know about your wishes?” If the answer is you, now you know what to prepare for. If it’s your sister, wonderful. Now you know exactly who to support and what to ask her.
And tell your parents the dollar amounts can stay out of it entirely, if they aren’t comfortable sharing those details right away. Most parents relax the moment they realize you’re asking who to call, not how much there is.
The documents, in plain English
You don’t have to be an estate planning expert to have this conversation, but a little vocabulary helps.
- A will generally addresses what happens to assets after someone dies and can name an executor or personal representative. It doesn’t give a child authority to manage finances while a parent is alive.
- A trust is a legal arrangement for holding and managing assets according to the instructions of the person who created it. It can be part of a plan for managing assets during life and passing them on after death.
- A financial power of attorney generally gives someone authority to act on another person’s behalf for financial and legal matters while they’re alive, subject to the document’s terms.
- Healthcare documents address healthcare decision-making and a person’s medical wishes. The specific documents and terminology can vary by state.
- Beneficiary designations on retirement accounts, insurance policies, and certain other accounts can operate separately from the will, which makes them an important part of an overall estate plan.
Estate planning documents and requirements vary by state, so what your parents have in place is worth reviewing with an estate planning attorney.
What it looks like when a family gets ahead of this
We worked with a family whose father developed early-onset dementia, and it progressed faster than anyone expected, including his doctors. What saved them were the conversations they had already started years earlier. It began with finances, because a financial plan had made everyone comfortable talking about them, and over time it grew to include his estate plan and his healthcare wishes.
Because they were already talking, the family caught something important while there was still time to fix it. An old healthcare document on file with his medical providers still pointed to his ex-wife. He had updated his beneficiaries after the divorce, but the change never made it into the healthcare directives. If the first conversation had happened in a crisis, that discovery would have happened in a crisis too.
When the time came to move him into assisted living, the family could focus on him and on the transition, because the money questions already had answers. And because he had been part of the conversation from the beginning, he had a real say in what that help would look like. That is what all of this is for.
One thing to do this month
This month, do one thing: ask your parents for 30 minutes.
“When would be a good time for us to sit down for half an hour? I’d love to know whatever you’d want me to know if I ever had to step in and help.” Let them pick the date. Tell them the numbers can stay out of it. Then just show up and listen.
Use one of the openers above and start with the three questions. The goal isn’t to get everything figured out in one sitting. It’s to open the door and make sure everyone knows what to do if the family ever needs to step in and help. And remember: one slightly uncomfortable conversation today can prevent dozens of truly painful ones later.
If you are working through this with your own family, or you would like help figuring out which questions to ask, we’d be happy to help.
About the author
Brandy Branstetter, CFP®, is a Principal and Wealth Advisor at Beyond Wealth, a fiduciary financial advisory firm based in Overland Park, Kansas, that delivers tailored wealth management to the Kansas City area and beyond. Known for her “Good, Better, Best” planning framework, Brandy’s approach is collaborative and values-driven, helping clients pursue financial independence while aligning their plans with their unique goals and aspirations.
